Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
