For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
