The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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