I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
