Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
