My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
