This girl is more easily done than said...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
