I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
