So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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