Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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