My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
