We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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