i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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