A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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