Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
