It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
