I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
