i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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