So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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