I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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