I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
