idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
