from now on my penis is your penis
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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