I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
