I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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