Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
