Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
