I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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