It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
