I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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