Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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