His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
