so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We have started to decorate penises.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
