I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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