I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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