My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
