i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
