my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
