i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
