apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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