Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
