True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
