dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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