just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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