Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
