Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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