If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
40s are totally the cure
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
