M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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