I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
