I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
