I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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