You're my little dorito
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
