im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
