I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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