he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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