I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
