lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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