He asked me if I "almost moaned"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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