I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
