she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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