thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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